I think the store clerk was about to call 9-1-1 when he saw the catatonic lady (ha! no irony there) in the kitty litter aisle, standing kinda funny with her head tilted to one side, staring blankly at shelf after shelf of her clumping and non-clumping and odor-control and less-mess and multi-cat and environmentally-friendly choices. Who knew there were so many freakin' varieties of pellets for felines to crap in??? Seriously, for all the talk about cats being low-maintenance, they clearly have some high-maintenance bathroom demands. Or maybe it's the cat owners who are high maintenance: do they seriously expect me to roll out the red velvet carpet and tap the side of a crystal champagne glass with a sterling silver fork to summon Lord Fat Boy to his sumptuous Fancy Feast?
Such thoughts (and many more that cannot be typed here) were what went through my mind tonight as I shopped for cat supplies for the first time in my life. I bought a bed AND a lounger, because I don't know the difference. I bought food AND treats, because... well, dogs like both, so maybe cats do, too? I bought a toy, something that wouldn't cause me to jump 10 feet at the accidental sight of it (translation = something that doesn't look like a rodent) or that wouldn't make visitors think my cat was a transvestite (translation = playing with a glittery feather boa). I bought a comb/brush thing because it was the only blue one on the shelf and I thought, if I need that, I'd better get the one manly color they have left. And I bought a collar, something to coincide with the new Scottish name I will be bestowing upon Fat Boy very soon... and something with a little bell so that I'll hear him walking around the house and therefore not freak out and reach for the gun should I hear something fall over in the other room.
But all these decisions were nothing compared to the biggest one of all... the litter box. I could not believe how many insane choices there were -- and they wanted me to pay nearly $200 for some? I don't think so!!! Domes, step ladders, two-story condos, pop-up tents... do people really think their cats need this stuff just to go to the bathroom? When I wondered aloud about this at the store, another customer came right up to me and started talking about how vulnerable cats feel while answering nature's call and so privacy and security and comfort are essential. It took all of my self-control not to laugh out loud when I thanked her for her advice... but I did buy one that had a lid because again, I don't have a clue what I'm doing and maybe she was as right as she was crazy. After all, I felt vulnerable while shopping for all this stuff, so maybe crazy cat lady had a point...
A water bowl, a food dish, and a portable carrier later, and I have everything I need to bring The Cat-Soon-To-Be-No-Longer-Known-As-Fat-Boy home Friday night. I think...
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